From Toxic Life as a Lawyer to One Centered in Self-Care
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From Toxic Life as a Lawyer to One Centered in Self-Care
Parts of the article were first printed in WSBA’s NWSidebar, Aug. 18, 2026
My law practice was literally killing me.
A heart monitor I wore in May showed my heart was running up to 231 beats per minute. I was in Atrial Fibrillation, my heart beating out of rhythm, 56% of the time. At first, I didn’t even notice. I’d also had recent procedures for hernia, and ulcer, and had gotten my first ever bone fracture. Through it all, I had pushed on with my established work-life habits.
Many of us are drawn to the legal profession by a drive to help people. It’s what drew me to attend law school around age 40. Law has given me the opportunity to change many people’s lives for the better. On a few lucky occasions I’ve actually been able to change policy, once or twice on a national level. But my law practice had become incredibly toxic.
Looking back, I see that back in law school I felt cut off from most everything I knew before. I believed that my success in law school required me to study at the expense of sleep and decent food. I came to think that most of my existing relationships needed to be cut off for me to be able to focus on my law school success. I also felt that I was being socialized to lead an expected “life of a lawyer.” And most of the socializing was around keggers.
I then graduated into a profession in which a substantial number, by some accounts a majority, of us are dealing with mental health or substance abuse challenges. I began to absorb the trauma of my clients. The coping mechanism I had internalized was toughen up and get through it. I still remember February 2001, when a 6.8 earthquake happened in the middle of the Bar exam. Those taking the exam were given minutes, and the test resumed.
My peers? I felt in constant competition with them. When I started to feel and act crazy, or question things about my life in the law, I did not see there was anyone I could talk to about it, to help me see I was not alone.
“I sometimes say that I learned there is a difference between hell and purgatory; purgatory has a way out.”
That was then. My health issues finally became a wake-up call, which almost came too late.
I first tried a lawyer group meditation program offered by the Washington State Bar. This program offers a half-hour meeting once a week. Let me be clear: a half-hour of meditation once a week was not a cure for my unhappiness and unhealthiness. But I found it to be a good start. Evidence-based studies show meditation can help overcome deficiencies in dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. Deficiencies cause among other symptoms, anxiety, stress, mood swings, impulsive behavior, insomnia, feeling lonely, and bodily aches and pains.
I sometimes say that I learned there is a difference between hell and purgatory; purgatory has a way out. In my case, I began to prioritize my health because I had no choice.
I pulled back from every case I ethically could while doing so. I found competent new counsel on the most litigious cases and competent co-counsel on the ones I thought I could still handle while focusing on my health. I enrolled in further meditation trainings and practiced repeatedly every day. I did allied treatments including Qigong, yoga, and biofeedback. I prioritized good nutrition, adequate sleep, and getting outside in nature.
Within a few weeks of stepping back and focusing on my recovery, my whole being and demeanor began to change. I lost weight. Though I was still getting the procedure, my heart calmed down to the point the racing cardiac episodes stopped. I was happier. I came to realize being happy was and is my natural state.
What also really helped was having others I could reach out to for support. The lawyer group meditation sessions helped me to get a glimpse to see I was not alone in what I was going through.
As I approached my cardiac procedure, one treatment provider told me that literally all my conditions from a few months ago had been corrected. When I had the cardiac procedure, there were no complications. I was released day of procedure. I was able to begin resumption of nearly all life activities immediately, doing many better than I had done before. I am still growing in my healthy habits, and easing slowly, carefully, back into the full practice of law.
My healing journey has given me the time and space to not only recover physically, but to gain the perspective that repairing myself only to go back to my old law work-life patterns was no way to actually move forward. My law practice and my life have opened up to be better and fuller than ever.
Just by way of example, I had a background in writing that had fallen by the wayside, and I have since met a literary agent who wants to meet with me. I’ve taught in the past, and I have discovered a number of positions opening where I live.
Now my involvement with WaLAL as a peer counselor allows me to be there for others in turn. It continues to support my well-being and that of others.
